personal thoughts........

there is something burning in me today. well, it's been burning for a while, but the "heartburn" has intensified. the kingdom of God is saturated with paradoxes. i see it. i am living it. i serve at one of the great churches. i know as a vocational minister my scope of local churches is microscopic. however, this is a great church. i serve under fantastic leaders. true father and mother of the faith. i hear the stories of other churches struggling, in house fighting, consumerism in the saints, etc. this house is powerful because it's full of powerful people who are learning to host the presence of God above all other things. living with a constant awareness of the "face of God" is our mandate. i know that many pastors struggle. i do to. the truth is though that i get the privilege, honor and opportunity to sit under someone else's covering. i am not the guy taking all the heat. i am on the frontlines, but i am not the key guy on the frontline. i am happy sitting under someone else's effort and learning. there have been seasons, long seasons, in my life where i was more interested in title and notoriety than i was in making a difference. i thought making difference happened through influence and how large your church was, ministry was, group was, etc. at 37, i am not sure i care much about that. i care about impact, of course. i don't really care about title, notoriety, etc. my mission in life is to a son that God is totally pleased with. not performance. but a son who has learned what it means to live in this world as a son in a different world. i want to have learned what it means to broker the kingdom of God in this earth as a son, not as a peasant, a pauper, a beggar or one who performs for it. i want to be a son who continually grows in his understanding of the ways of God and the heart of God. in some respect i feel hidden behind my sr. pastors and other leaders. i confess, i like it. however, my heart burns to become a father. i know that the baton of leadership is being passed from one generation to the next. am i ready for it? do i have the character to sustain the responsibility that will be upon me? is my integrity strong enough to keep my charisma in its proper place? can i be a true father of the faith? i don't know many fathers in the faith who are vocational ministers. i do know *louise* (not real name) from a distance and i am impacted by who he is, more than what he does. i know my sr. pastor charles patterson. i have the honor of meeting with him every week. he has been at this church 20+ years. WOW! so to become a father....it appears that i can only stay hidden for so long. Papa God is the best father and I want to be like him. I want gentleness. i want kindness. i want meekness. i want patience. i want love. i want joy. i want these things. they are a work of the spirit in me and maturity brings them to the surface and dictates how i interact with society, friends, my children, my wife, my money, etc. oh yeah, i am so hungry for more of God. i want change and transformation. a generation needs fathers and mothers of the faith. a generation is coming up who is demonstrating the raw power of God, but there is still a need for mothers and fathers of the faith. there is much repentance that needs to happen in my life. my mind still has cobwebs of religious thinking. my mind has cracks of pauper thinking. God renew my mind. change my heart. fill me with your power. fill me with your Holy Spirit. i pour my life out in friendship with God, cultivating a family legacy and shaping a generation towards cultural transformation. i have more questions than answers. i want all my questions answered, but more so, i want all my answers questioned. Jesus. I give you my life. Take all of me. Take every molecular part of my body, take my entire soul and spirit and saturate me with your glory. I yes to the covenant of shaping history with you and co laboring with you for the advancement of the kingdom. your kingdom will never fade, but expand and increase. may it be so in me, my family, my church, my city, my state, my nation and the nations of the world.

until next time....

ps.  this entry seems like a lover of God overwhelmed by burning for more of him.....i apologize if it makes no sense....but it does to me.....